I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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