So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
