When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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