woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
