I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
is that a dick in a sweater?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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