theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize