That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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