After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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