even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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