so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
