tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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