Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
