The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
