Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
