I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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