I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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