Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
