Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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