Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize