This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
