im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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