i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
