the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
