I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
