the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
