Sry I called you an 8
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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