Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
