I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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