im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
why do cheetos always look like penises
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
