My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Be still, my beating vagina.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
