he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
