guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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