Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
