I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
