Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
