I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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