saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
