so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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