Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize