butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
