Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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