Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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