Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
