I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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