I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
