so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
