she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
