I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
