Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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