I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
