Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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