if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
