Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
