9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
They took my balls.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
