Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
