a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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