My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
