Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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