She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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