the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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