I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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