so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
