This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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