Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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