So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
