She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
