also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
