she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
