I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
