My cat gives me a boner
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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