either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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