I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
