if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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