now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
