Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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